- It's 9:15 and the girls have been in bed for an hour and 15 minutes! Yet, Hannah is still WIDE awake, talking and singing away in her crib. I go crazy wondering why it takes her so long to go to sleep at night! There are few days where she is asleep in less than 30 minutes! Tonight will take especially long because we went over to Shawn's Dad's house this evening and Hannah literally bounces off the walls whenever family or friends are present! She is quite the performer and craves CONSTANT attention from EVERYONE around her! We went out for pizza tonight and on the way out the door, she starts twirling in circles the whole way to the door, then looking over at the booths to make sure everyone was watching her. As soon as she sees them smile at her, she squeals with delight..... haha! She got what she wanted....!! She is such a showgirl!
- KaeLee is fast asleep...... in panties! She has been potty trained for nearly a year now, but we have kept a pull up on her at night and for naps. But know that she turned 3, we are trying to get rid of those as well. Not going so well so far. She doesn't wake up when she pees. She just wakes up at normal time (well, I guess this morning it was an hour earlier than normal) and then after a minute or so, she notices that her clothes are all wet and then starts to freak out. I am not sure what to do at this point. :(
- I am supposed to be working on KaeLee's Shutterfly book.....! I have to have it completely done and ordered by Tuesday night!! They have their books 50% off that expires February 1st, and I have a $10 off coupon that expires January 31st! That will be a savings of about $70!!! (yes, it's a big book!) I easily get distracted...... especially when I am trying to work on the computer and have the entire internet, the TV show my husband is watching, and listening to Hannah on the monitor..... haha! I also have my bible study homework I need to do. And I have a gazillion boxes that need to be packed.....!!! Anyway, on to the next bullet.... ;)
- Tonight I began to understand what my friends who have experienced infant/pregnancy loss have said: "Triggers can happen at any time and we never know what they might be." Tonight at dinner, the subject of July 4th came up and they were all talking about getting together to watch the fireworks, and where you can see them from best..... All the while I am sitting there trying not to burst into tears and screaming in my head, "How can you talk about such a holiday when you now what has just happened to me?!?!" You see, (in case you didn't know...) Jordan's due date was July 4th. Those fireworks they are talking about..... yeah; those were supposed to be in celebration of (not only our country's freedom.... but....) Jordan's birth day!! How could I possibly go and enjoy fireworks when I know that our baby boy was supposed to be watching with us?!? I am definitely NOT looking forward to that holiday this year!
- Another thing I have noticed is that I am sad, of course, when someone asks how I am feeling or how my pregnancy is going..... but I am also SUPER bummed if they DON'T ask...... weird and contradicting, I know. I don't want people to be afraid to ask me anything, but I DO know that I will most likely have a few tears stream down my face. I haven't quite conquered how to talk about it without creating tears, but I really don't mind crying, I just feel a bit stupid because I haven't been able to control my tears yet. I am SO thankful for the internet and texting because I don't have to actually TALK about it. Talking about it without having to SPEAK about it is WAY easier!
- On the other hand, if I am around people who haven't even said a single WORD about it to me or haven't acknowledged my loss at all to me, or can't look at me when they talk to me, I feel really awkward around them. Like there is a big elephant in the room. But I don't want to be the one to bring it up because..... well, I am not one to just start talking about myself. There are a few people, including close family members, who I haven't heard a word from, even though I KNOW they know. It kinda hurts my heart. I would have thought they would have cared a bit more...... but I guess I can't assume too much out of everyone else. Also, how selfish of me is that? Getting frustrated or hurt because someone else doesn't think about me? I know that's not who God has called me to be.
- Why am I so overly tired lately? Ugh. It's really getting frustrating.
- Shawn and I played racquetball today. It felt good to be playing again...... especially since I kicked his butt!! :)
- I just getting to be okay with my tummy stretching back out and losing it's flab leftover from previous pregnancies.... and now my stomach has officially shrunk back down and is back to it's floppy, donut-like self! Argh!
- Alright, well, I am off to bed.... finally.....! And hopefully I can sneak in a good 2 hour nap on the way to Yakima tomorrow!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Random Thoughts
Some random thoughts for the night. I'm feeling especially tired tonight, so I have no creativeness left in my brain; therefore there will be no clever ideas of how to tie all my random thoughts together. More of just a list of things on my mind tonight.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Happy Birthday KaeLee!
HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY KAELEE!!
So, I promise to have pictures from her party soon, with her "real" cake! This was taken tonight, when she got to blow out candles AGAIN! This time, just with Mommy, Daddy, and Hannah!
I can't believe how big she is getting! She is quite the talker! But she is also quite the listener! (and not when you actually want her to be..... haha!) She has quite the ears (reminds me of myself) and as soon as she knows you are talking about her, her ears perk right up and she is as quiet as a mouse....! Shawn and I find ourselves making lots of code words to be able to try and talk in front of them without them knowing what we are talking about! For example, if we are thinking of going to the "Y" (YMCA) to play racquetball, we have to say something like "hey, did you want to do the thing the comes after 'x' today?" Otherwise if we say "Y", both girls will start jumping up and down with excitement! They love going to the Y! haha.
Speaking of getting so big..... funny story that happened tonight.....
The girls were in the tub tonight and Shawn randomly started talking about how big KaeLee is and how "OLD!" she's getting! She immediately comes back with: "Yeah! I'm getting so old! I can have coffee now?!?!" HAHA. This made me really laugh. Funny girl.
We are so blessed to have KaeLee as our daughter. Especially our oldest daughter! She is so motherly and kind and caring and loves to help Hannah and teach her new things. I can definitely see her being a great teacher and an excellent mother some day! She is a very "take-charge" kind of girl..... as the first born usually is......! And I love how blunt and simple she can be. She is not afraid to say 'I don't know' or ask 'what are you talking about?'. I can just see the wheels in her spins 100mph 24/7! She is a curious little thing who asks about the details and then never forgets them! But be careful! Because if you show her the correct way to do something, she is going to want to do it that way EVERY time. There are no shortcuts with her once you show her the proper way! (example....... reading a book in it;s entirety and then later trying to paraphrase or skip pages...... she WILL notice and make you start over from the beginning..... hahaha!
Our baby is not such a baby anymore......!! Now she is fully potty trained, has no more bed rail on her bed, (and telling us she needs a bigger bed.....! haha) She can open the fridge (strong girl!) and get herself something to drink.... she can say her abc's and count to 20 in english and 10 in spanish. She can also count backwards from 10! She is an amazing talker.....! Not just sentences or paragraphs, but NOVELS! haha. The list could go on and on..... but I am afraid I need to go to bed! Night all!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Overflowing JOY!
So last night, the phone rings at 9:15pm. With both girls asleep, we are frantically running around looking for the phone, sice it is (of course) not on the cradle where it should be! I look at the phone and it says it's the hospital. Hmmm....... why are they calling?
It turns out to be Dr. Pitts, the doctor who performed the D&C procedure. And he called with the BEST news EVER! Well for the situation, anyway. He said that the pathologist casme back with the report and said there was nothing conclusive for WHY this happened (totally expected) but he said he WAS able to tell the gender of the baby! :) :) :)
My heart about leaped out of my chest when he said this! I GRINNED! The pathologist said that the baby was a BOY! :) A HUGE weight was immediately lifted from my heart and I felt pure JOY at the news. This was completely a God thing. God knew how frustrated and disappointed I was because I didn't know the sex of the baby. Part of me was so mad at Dr. Pitts because part of me felt like, since he didn't know me, or maybe because it the middle of the night and he was called in..... that maybe, just MAYBE, he really WAS able to tell the gender during the procedure but didn't take the time to look or care. I'm sure this is not the case, but after doing a lot of research online, it was overly frustrating to read of several stories of women who had this same experience at 16 weeks, as well as several that were sooner..... and they were all aware of the baby's gender. So that just added to my frustration and hightened my anxiousness. God knew that I wouild not be able to wait until Heaven to find out! Through sorrow comes great BLESSINGS! :)
Just thought I would share this bit of GREAT NEWS with you this morning! My heart is at ease. Jordan Trinity is a BOY.
*Sidenote* This news also makes me really nervous for our next pregnancy. Knowing how much Shawn really wants a boy, I am just praying that we still have that chance and that Jordan won't be our only boy!
1 Samuel 1:27-28
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.
It turns out to be Dr. Pitts, the doctor who performed the D&C procedure. And he called with the BEST news EVER! Well for the situation, anyway. He said that the pathologist casme back with the report and said there was nothing conclusive for WHY this happened (totally expected) but he said he WAS able to tell the gender of the baby! :) :) :)
My heart about leaped out of my chest when he said this! I GRINNED! The pathologist said that the baby was a BOY! :) A HUGE weight was immediately lifted from my heart and I felt pure JOY at the news. This was completely a God thing. God knew how frustrated and disappointed I was because I didn't know the sex of the baby. Part of me was so mad at Dr. Pitts because part of me felt like, since he didn't know me, or maybe because it the middle of the night and he was called in..... that maybe, just MAYBE, he really WAS able to tell the gender during the procedure but didn't take the time to look or care. I'm sure this is not the case, but after doing a lot of research online, it was overly frustrating to read of several stories of women who had this same experience at 16 weeks, as well as several that were sooner..... and they were all aware of the baby's gender. So that just added to my frustration and hightened my anxiousness. God knew that I wouild not be able to wait until Heaven to find out! Through sorrow comes great BLESSINGS! :)
Just thought I would share this bit of GREAT NEWS with you this morning! My heart is at ease. Jordan Trinity is a BOY.
*Sidenote* This news also makes me really nervous for our next pregnancy. Knowing how much Shawn really wants a boy, I am just praying that we still have that chance and that Jordan won't be our only boy!
1 Samuel 1:27-28
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Beauty Will Rise
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are
wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are
achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but
on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal.
wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are
achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but
on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal.
Silent questions you may have......
I need to call Michelle. I know I need to do this..... but I really don't want to. But she needs to know.
You see, Michelle is with the organization called Footprints of my Heart, and she needs to know our decision of what to do with the baby's remains. Thankfully, no! --- They don't just toss baby into a bag..... and yes! --- my mind went there.
First question you may have, but don't want to ask (it's okay, I didn't want to ask it either....!):
What happens to the baby?
Our choices: cremation, a communal burial, or "let the hospital dispose of the remains"
Our decision: burial. A communal burial is an option for mothers who have lost their babies in the first and second trimester. There is only one headstone I believe, and it is placed in "baby land" of the cemetery. They do this service twice a year. The next one is in April.
Another question you may be hesitant to ask...... Are you planning to name the baby?
Shawn and I have named baby. We realize that some people may think this is weird, but we really had no other option. We know that we have a baby waiting for us in Heaven and we do NOT want that poor baby to not have a name!
We were touched very much by the book, Heaven Is For Real. In this book, when Colton is in Heaven, he meets a young girl who says she is his sister. He asked what her name was and she said she didn't have a name because her mommy and daddy never named her. Now, if you haven't read this book, you should. It's very good. But this little girl ends up being a miscarriage that the mother had and had never told any of her children about. I don't remember if they knew the sex of the baby or not, but am leaning to remember that they did not.
So, how difficult is it to come up with a gender neutral name that means something to you that you can agree on?? Very difficult! Our decision:
JORDAN TRINITY
Jordan means free flowing, like the Jordan River where Jesus was baptized.
Trinity, or course, means triad..... refers to the Holy Trinity, with whom Jordan now resides: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Our baby is not an "it". Our baby's name is Jordan. We will one day get to meet Jordan and be revealed of our baby's gender. But for now, we wait patiently in the Lord and know that baby Jordan is in the best hands possible. The Ultimate Father gets to love on Jordan every day, better than Shawn or I could have ever done! What a blessing to know that Jordan was MADE for Heaven!
Another question you may be afraid to ask.......
Will you try to get pregnant again?
The answer is, Of Course! We are nervous, but trusting God that this is what He wants. We hope to get pregnant again soon! We still want the girls to be young, and we have a short window of time left before there will be a 3 year gap between Hannah and the new baby. I would really rather not have any bigger of a gap. But we are trusting in the Lord's timing.
Originally, when we got pregnant with Jordan, we were "planning" to get pregnant in March, and the pregnancy came a bit sooner. So, maybe it was in God's plan all along, as well, that we get pregnant in March.......?? We shall see.
If you have any other questions looming around in your head, feel free to ask them. I am a complete open book and would welcome them.
Right now, I have been awake since 4:30. I went to bed pretty early last night, but apparently can only sleep a certain number of hours, instead of until a certain time! Ugh. When I went to bed last night I felt like I could pass out for the duration of a few hours. KaeLee's birthday party wore me out yesterday! (yes, she had her party! Pictures to come.....!)
This picture was embedded in my mind all night last night and I can't help but stare at that belly and imagine what little Jordan looks like.
This picture was taken right at 14 weeks. According to the OB who was on call that night, this would have been right at, or right before Jordan died. Even though I was 16 weeks when the bleeding occurred, the doctor said the baby was not measuring 16 weeks.... more like 12 or 13. This means that Jordan had died, most likely, 1-2 weeks earlier. Then once the baby dies, the body and head begin to shrink a bit and start deteriorating. This is why he was not able to see the sex of the baby as well.
The strange thing is that I had absolutely NO signs of this at all, which seems completely bizarre to me. Also, I was on the phone with my step mom the day before the bleeding started and she had asked me if I was starting to show more. My initial response, was "yeah, I'm huge!", but then I said, "honestly, I felt really big, but lately, I feel smaller than I did before for some reason." I thought maybe I was just getting used to be being bigger? But I truly noticed that change. But who would have ever thought it would've meant something? I had also mentioned in that same conversation that I was excited to not have gained any weight yet, and in fact, LOSE 7 pounds! Then I said "how cool would that be if this was the weight I was when I gave birth?! Then I would lose an instant 20-25 pounds and be halfway to my goal!" Little did I know that it would be my end weight. But the 20-25 pounds I was hoping to lose right away? Yeah, not a chance. I am exactly the same. I realize that instead of a 7 pound baby, I only had a 9 ounce baby, but that's beside the point. I lost what seemed like 20 pounds of blood..... and then there's the placenta and amniotic fluid...... you would think that all of this would add up.....? ;) haha.
Alright, well, I am still super tired and think I might try to go back to sleep for an hour or so before the girls wake up. We have church in 2 and a half hours. I am not looking forward to that, that's for sure. There's something about being at church that makes me cry every time. I know I will have to keep my eyes on the ground and stay busy doodling or something. If anyone just looks at me, I just know I will burst into tears. Especially if they have the puppy dog eyes that say "I know what what happened.... and I am so sorry."
You see, Michelle is with the organization called Footprints of my Heart, and she needs to know our decision of what to do with the baby's remains. Thankfully, no! --- They don't just toss baby into a bag..... and yes! --- my mind went there.
First question you may have, but don't want to ask (it's okay, I didn't want to ask it either....!):
What happens to the baby?
Our choices: cremation, a communal burial, or "let the hospital dispose of the remains"
Our decision: burial. A communal burial is an option for mothers who have lost their babies in the first and second trimester. There is only one headstone I believe, and it is placed in "baby land" of the cemetery. They do this service twice a year. The next one is in April.
Another question you may be hesitant to ask...... Are you planning to name the baby?
Shawn and I have named baby. We realize that some people may think this is weird, but we really had no other option. We know that we have a baby waiting for us in Heaven and we do NOT want that poor baby to not have a name!
We were touched very much by the book, Heaven Is For Real. In this book, when Colton is in Heaven, he meets a young girl who says she is his sister. He asked what her name was and she said she didn't have a name because her mommy and daddy never named her. Now, if you haven't read this book, you should. It's very good. But this little girl ends up being a miscarriage that the mother had and had never told any of her children about. I don't remember if they knew the sex of the baby or not, but am leaning to remember that they did not.
So, how difficult is it to come up with a gender neutral name that means something to you that you can agree on?? Very difficult! Our decision:
JORDAN TRINITY
Jordan means free flowing, like the Jordan River where Jesus was baptized.
Trinity, or course, means triad..... refers to the Holy Trinity, with whom Jordan now resides: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Our baby is not an "it". Our baby's name is Jordan. We will one day get to meet Jordan and be revealed of our baby's gender. But for now, we wait patiently in the Lord and know that baby Jordan is in the best hands possible. The Ultimate Father gets to love on Jordan every day, better than Shawn or I could have ever done! What a blessing to know that Jordan was MADE for Heaven!
Another question you may be afraid to ask.......
Will you try to get pregnant again?
The answer is, Of Course! We are nervous, but trusting God that this is what He wants. We hope to get pregnant again soon! We still want the girls to be young, and we have a short window of time left before there will be a 3 year gap between Hannah and the new baby. I would really rather not have any bigger of a gap. But we are trusting in the Lord's timing.
Originally, when we got pregnant with Jordan, we were "planning" to get pregnant in March, and the pregnancy came a bit sooner. So, maybe it was in God's plan all along, as well, that we get pregnant in March.......?? We shall see.
If you have any other questions looming around in your head, feel free to ask them. I am a complete open book and would welcome them.
Right now, I have been awake since 4:30. I went to bed pretty early last night, but apparently can only sleep a certain number of hours, instead of until a certain time! Ugh. When I went to bed last night I felt like I could pass out for the duration of a few hours. KaeLee's birthday party wore me out yesterday! (yes, she had her party! Pictures to come.....!)
This picture was embedded in my mind all night last night and I can't help but stare at that belly and imagine what little Jordan looks like.
This picture was taken right at 14 weeks. According to the OB who was on call that night, this would have been right at, or right before Jordan died. Even though I was 16 weeks when the bleeding occurred, the doctor said the baby was not measuring 16 weeks.... more like 12 or 13. This means that Jordan had died, most likely, 1-2 weeks earlier. Then once the baby dies, the body and head begin to shrink a bit and start deteriorating. This is why he was not able to see the sex of the baby as well.
The strange thing is that I had absolutely NO signs of this at all, which seems completely bizarre to me. Also, I was on the phone with my step mom the day before the bleeding started and she had asked me if I was starting to show more. My initial response, was "yeah, I'm huge!", but then I said, "honestly, I felt really big, but lately, I feel smaller than I did before for some reason." I thought maybe I was just getting used to be being bigger? But I truly noticed that change. But who would have ever thought it would've meant something? I had also mentioned in that same conversation that I was excited to not have gained any weight yet, and in fact, LOSE 7 pounds! Then I said "how cool would that be if this was the weight I was when I gave birth?! Then I would lose an instant 20-25 pounds and be halfway to my goal!" Little did I know that it would be my end weight. But the 20-25 pounds I was hoping to lose right away? Yeah, not a chance. I am exactly the same. I realize that instead of a 7 pound baby, I only had a 9 ounce baby, but that's beside the point. I lost what seemed like 20 pounds of blood..... and then there's the placenta and amniotic fluid...... you would think that all of this would add up.....? ;) haha.
Alright, well, I am still super tired and think I might try to go back to sleep for an hour or so before the girls wake up. We have church in 2 and a half hours. I am not looking forward to that, that's for sure. There's something about being at church that makes me cry every time. I know I will have to keep my eyes on the ground and stay busy doodling or something. If anyone just looks at me, I just know I will burst into tears. Especially if they have the puppy dog eyes that say "I know what what happened.... and I am so sorry."
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Storm
So I am writing this blog post so soon because I want to remember
it as it happened. And with my memory, I
will forget by tomorrow. Some might say
I will never forget, but they don’t know my brain. Or the gift God has graciously given me. I forget everything.
*WARNING* This blog is beyond extremely long, full of grammar errors, and I'm sure wuite boring at times. I did not exactly write this for you, but rather for myself, so if anything offends you..... um..... sorry?
*Sidenote* On Monday, we went and looked at a house to move
into. The next day the owners told us
they would love to rent it to us. I
started second guessing myself about it and couldn’t seem to remember anything
about it! What type of flooring was
there? Was there a linen closet for the
upstairs bathroom? What about a backdoor
from the downstairs to the yard? I don’t
remember seeing one…? Was there even a
back door in the garage going to the backyard?
Was the stair railing on the top open slats or a solid half wall?...... So you see, not even 24 hours after something
occurs, I forget nearly everything! *End Sidenote* ;)
*WARNING* This blog is beyond extremely long, full of grammar errors, and I'm sure wuite boring at times. I did not exactly write this for you, but rather for myself, so if anything offends you..... um..... sorry?
So, last night, before going to bed, I noticed a tiny bit of
light spotting when I went to the bathroom.
I know that this can be normal, so I didn’t think anything of it since I
had my appointment the next day and figured I would just mention it then. I went to bed, got up out of bed a couple of
times to pee (completely normal for me!).
But when I woke up at about 1:45, I knew something was different. I was super wet. (warning: grossness approaching….) I knew I
had been discharging a bit as well due to my yeast infection, but this seemed
to remind me more of when my water broke.
It being dark and not having my glasses on, I couldn’t see
anything. I went to the bathroom,
decided I should change my pajamas so I took my shorts and underwear completely
off. I sat down to go to the bathroom
and could feel gushes of something coming out.
Yes, definitely remember this from my water breaking with Hannah. So at that point I flipped on the light and
that’s when I saw my underwear and shorts completely covered in blood, blood
drippings on the floor and then realized that the “gushes” were HUGE blood
clots.
I woke Shawn up, called the receptionist on call for the
midwife. Instructions say if you don’t get
a call back within 10-15 minutes, call back.
I felt like I had waited at least 20 minutes, looked at the clock and it
had only been 5 minutes. I decided to
call my mom, against my better judgment, since I knew it was 2:00am, she was
sleeping, AND 120 miles away…..! It
would only panic her. But I knew what
had happened. I knew the baby was
gone. This amount of bleeding was not
normal. I talked to my mom for a couple
of minutes before the midwife called me back.
I was desperately trying to figure out what to do because the girls were
sleeping. Shawn said he figured we would
wake them up and take them with us. I
think not. I decided to call Sharon (Shawn’s step mom),
knowing she was at least a half an hour away (in good weather….. never mind it
snowed a foot or more the day/night before!) So she was on her way and then I
called my neighbor who graciously came over to sit in the house until Sharon
got there. Her name is Mary. A really sweet lady who is in my Bible Study
Fellowship class. She has also
experienced a miscarriage (not sure how far along she was) and ironically, it
was between her 2nd and 3rd child. So I knew that by calling her she wouldn’t
mind at all and would completely understand.
So, we finally got to the hospital…… took forever it seemed
like because of the roads! No one else
there, which was nice, so we got right in and the ER doctor examined me and
said there were too many blood clots (the size of your fist!) and he couldn’t
quite see what was past them. Nevermind
that it was super painful and uncomfortable.
He decided to give me some morphine (I was also contracting, making the
exam even more painful). I had never had
morphine before and within seconds I was throwing up and feeling lightheaded
and nauseous. The doctor said the
ultrasound tech would come in and then he would come back and try to do the
exam again.
So the ultrasound lady came in and did her thing. Took a ton of pictures. She said I had lost a lot of amniotic fluid,
making the pictures hard to get. Then
she searched for a heartbeat and found nothing.
No surprise there. I was
expecting that. She left to send her
pictures to radiology. She did tell me
that the measurements weren’t measuring 16 weeks, which was (hmmm….. was. That’s strange to say.) what I was. She said they looked more like 12-13
weeks. So the doctor said the baby most
likely died 2-3 weeks earlier. And once
the baby has died, it can “shrink”, if you will, and appear to be younger than
it is. This is quite disturbing thinking
that the baby had not been alive for that long inside of me. I would have thought I could feel
something. In fact, on Sunday, I swore I
felt the baby move during church but apparently it was just all in my head….
And actually, as I write this, I just felt a “movement” though it was probably
just my uterus contracting. I remember
that happening after giving birth before.
I think it means it’s shrinking back to normal…? Anyway, moving on…..
(PS: I took a few
hours worth of break and therefore it is getting closer to the 24 hour mark since
all this happened….. which means my mind is already fading…….. Ahhhhh!! So bear with me if I jump around a bit!)
The doctor came back in.
I found out that his name was Dr Hughes.
I was relieved when I heard that because not too long ago during our
MOPS meeting, the moms were talking about all their favorite doctors, and they
all agreed on Dr. Hughes for an ER doctor.
And the fact that he is easy on the eyes makes it a little nicer….. haha
(they’re words, not mine….. though I don’t think I would disagree….haha)
Anyway, he did another exam (OUCH!) and was able to get more
clots out, but he said he could see the placenta bulging and didn’t want to try
to manually take it out because it was too bulgy and risky so he called the OB
doctor who was on call in. He was there
pretty quick, actually. He was a nice
guy and explained things really well, but at that moment, I really missed my
Yakima OBGYN. This doctor was not so
personable and stood as far away from me as possible when he talked to me. Dr Harrington, my OB in Yakima, would just
come sit on your bed or pull a stool up as close as possible. I never really noticed that until today, but
what a difference it makes!
Dr Pitts (the OB on call) said he wanted to put me under
with the amount of bleeding and clotting I had.
There was a good chance of needing a blood transfusion and he just said
it’d be safer to do it that way. He
performed a D&C, which only took about a half hour or so. It was at 4:30am. Oh, and the girl who wheeled me to the
operating room reeked of smoke and I about puked again…. Yuk! I woke up at 5:30 in the recovery room. I had no glasses, so I didn’t really know
where I was, what was around me or what time it was. I could make out what seemed to be a clock on
the wall, but couldn’t see it for the life of me. Then I heard some paper shuffling behind me
and it was a male nurse. I tried to
talk to him and noticed right away that my throat hurt super bad and remembered
the doctor telling me about a tube that would be put down my throat and taken out
right before or as I was waking up. Good
thing it was before so I didn’t have to choke on that thing! (can you tell I am
such a wimp and have never had surgery before…..??? haha) I tried to ask the nurse questions, but he
said he couldn’t really answer them; I had to wait for the doctor. I finally asked for my glasses and was able
to at least lay there and look around until I was able to go back to a normal
room.
Back in the room, there wasn’t really anything to do. It was almost 6:30 and the night nurses shift
would be over soon (thankfully…. They weren’t the sweetest things…. Though it
was the end of their shift…) The main
nurse, the nice one, answered quite a few questions for me but the whole time
she was looking at me with the most pitiful eyes. Honestly, it was a bit annoying, but I felt
bad that she felt bad for me, so I dealt with it. I don’t remember what these questions were
that I asked her, but I am sure nothing you’d be interested in…. haha. Dr.
Pitts came in at about 8:00am and said I could go home soon (yay! I was so ready to get out of there and back
home to the girls!) He also answered my questions. One of which was whether the baby was a boy
or a girl. He said since the baby had
not been alive for a couple weeks, it was near impossible to tell. I think that is the part that hurts the most;
not knowing if you’re child was a boy or a girl. It’s devastating, actually. Today was supposed to be the day that I got
to schedule my ultrasound to find out what the sex was. I’ve been looking forward to today for the last
4 weeks, since my last appointment. I
don’t think I would ever look forward to a day like that again.
A lady from a foundation called footprints of the heart came
by to talk to us. Michelle, I think was
her name. She asked us what we wanted to
do with the baby’s remains. This was at
the same time relieving and overwhelming.
I was relieved because it was one of the questions I wanted to ask, but
was afraid to: what happened to my
baby? Did they just bag it up and toss
it? Where’d it go? Because one of the questions I asked the
nurse in the recovery room was if I would be able to see the baby and if that
would be normal? And he said no, it was
not normal. And that was that. So where was my baby? Anyway, it was also overwhelming, because she
started to talk about whether we would want the baby to be cremated or
buried? Or nothing at all? The burial they do for miscarriages is a
communal burial twice a year. The next
one is in April. I think that is what we
chose to do.
Shawn wants to name the baby. I think that’s a great idea….. if you know
the gender. But it’s gonna be tough to
pick a name that is gender neutral that we both like…. Ha! I’m on board with it, but it’s definitely
something I struggle with. I guess we
can take a few days anyway.
We finally got to go home at about 10:30. I felt so stupid when we left because I had
to be wheeled in a chair by the nurse while Shawn went to pull up the
truck. I think wheeling down the hall is
as close to a parade as I will ever get.
I was mighty tempted to stick my arm up and do the princess wave. Haha. But
seriously, there were nurses on either side of the hall throughout the “walk”
to the elevator who had the most pitiful looks on their faces like they all new
(which I’m guessing they probably did…..) and they would wave at me and give me
a pathetic half smile. (yes, I realize I
am being a bit harsh…. Sorry!) So, with
them waving at me, I definitely felt like I was in a parade and am pretty sure
I even caught myself looking back a few times to see if there was a line behind
me or perhaps a marching band…. ;)
So, I know that I have been seeming a bit light hearted
throughout this blog, and I am sorry if that offends you. I have just been so blessed by this whole
situation and feel God’s peace in my heart.
You see, I finally heard Him correctly!!
So many times, I feel like he’s telling me something and then it turns
out the opposite, but this time, I knew exactly what to expect and was prepared
for it.
I suppose I should back up a bit.
I know I wrote an entire blog about this (see here: http://shawnandnikkicox.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-mediocre-life-full-of-blessings.html)
but I didn’t really explain too well I don’t think. See, ever since October of 2009, God has been
strategically placing women in my life who have just gone through a miscarriage
or a still birth. It started with Sarah,
then trickled to other people, then one girl, Erin, began a ministry called
Hope Mommies. It is an organization that
helps women who have suffered this type of loss and provides support, comfort,
resources…. It is amazing. I became invested
(a total God thing!) and took on the role of a prayer partner. I had the privledge of becoming a prayer
partner and hearing some of these womens stories and getting the chance to pray
over them every day and send them scriptures and notes of encouragement. I love it! So through this, I have met even
MORE women and have read their blogs, their stories, their notes on facebook…..
and have been so encouraged with the strength, the hope and the courage they
have. It is truly inspiring. And to see many of these women making purpose
out of their child’s lives, by starting Hope Mommies, The Chase Foundation,
Molly Bears, Holden Uganda….. and the list could go on and on. These organizations started out of a tragedy
and are blossoming because of the grace of God.
So anyway, back in November, my heart began to get really
heavy. I felt God pointing out EVERY
little blessing in my life to me. I
became so grateful, of course. Then I
started to notice how all around me, someone was struggling with something. But not me.
I started to pray about this because I started feeling really
guilty. Why are they struggling, but not
me? Then, one week at bible study, I
overheard someone say “it’s the calm before the storm”. Of course!!
That was it! At that moment, I
felt that wsas God talking to me through that random comment I overheard
someone say. And I knew that this was my
calm before the storm. I just knew. I started to “play God” and try to come up
with what I thought was going to happen, but my thoughts all came back to all
these “Hope Mommies” in my life. My
greatest fear, of course, was becoming a member of that group. But as much as I avoided it and pushed it
aside as, “that’ll never happen to me…. I had two amazing pregnancies and births,
why would this one be any different?”
Then Christmas came.
In bible study, we were talking about unexpected trials. Well, I was certainly expecting one, but my
mind was completely focused on the baby and just knowing that my trial was
going to be that baby. Then Shawn and I
got into a huge argument and I was hurt and felt lower than ever before. (this is a completely different 10 page blog,
that I may or may never write…..) Then two days later, I am struck with the
truth about a lie that has been going on for three years and the betrayl that
goes along with it. I feel, at this
point, that I am in the biggest ditch ever, and will never be able to find my
way out. I, at that moment, feel like
this is my unexpected trial. I so sure
that God was telling me that something was going to go wrong with the baby, it
actually ended up being something completely different.
Then, the thought kept entering my mind again…… what if this
feeling about baby is still true and this whole thing with Shawn was an EXTRA…..?? So, again, I prepared my heart and my mind
with theories and predictions. But now,
that big fear…. That gut feeling….. that voice of JESUS in my head…… had come
true. Now where am I? Before, I was in a super deep ditch….. what
is deeper than that?
I feel like I was prepared a bit with the whole baby
situation. I truly feel like God has
been working in my heart and giving me the proper examples I need through
people around me about how to pull through it and be a stronger woman and
Christian because of it. But when you
add up everything that has happened in the last 3 ½ weeks…… I don’t think the
average woman would still be standing.
Oh, but wait….. I’m not. I am on
my knees pleading for God to recue me. I
know my life has been wonderful, but why does everything have to hit at
once? Why can’t it be a gradual
thing?? Watching the weather in the past
couple of days, it is a complete analogy of where I am in my life right
now. We haven’t had any snow all winter,
and within 2 days, we get nearly 2 feet of snow! That’s crazy! And it’s still snowing. Perhaps God just doesn’t want anyone to be
able to come to KaeLee’s birthday party on Saturday….! Haha.
Well, I’ve have written far too much. Perhaps I just wrote a
book! I am exhausted and should have
been in bed hours ago, seeming how I have been up since 1:45am!! Ahhhhhh………! I will be keeping you up to date
hopfully and I may be using this as my outlet for days I am not feeling so
great. I will attempt to remember the
good days too so that I can give you some praises and not just be a Debbie downer.
I officially just took a two minute nap, I believe. Which means Im going to bed. Without using spell check. So hope you enjoyed trying to figure out what
I am trying to say…..
Monday, January 9, 2012
My Morning Cry
Psalm
18:5-6,17-19 The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction
overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death
confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. He
reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He
rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He
brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in
me.
Lord,
This morning I come to you longing to be rescued. I am your daughter and you are my heavenly Father. Hide me under your wing, Lord. Heal my heart. You know my heart's desires, it's hurts, and it's needs. I plead to you for healing and direction. Show me your ways o Lord and the plans you have for me. Give me strength and hope. Renew my worth and my purpose.
Amen.
Psalm
56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your
bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Lord,
This morning I come to you longing to be rescued. I am your daughter and you are my heavenly Father. Hide me under your wing, Lord. Heal my heart. You know my heart's desires, it's hurts, and it's needs. I plead to you for healing and direction. Show me your ways o Lord and the plans you have for me. Give me strength and hope. Renew my worth and my purpose.
Amen.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
My Resolution.....
My 2012 New Years Resolution:
To get caught up on this blog! It may take me a good 96 hours straight, about 12 posts and a gazillion pictures, but I will find a way to do it. Among trying to get KaeLee's photo book finished, send out her birthday invites out and plan a party! (A small, quiet party........you know, just the 48 people in our immediate family.....!) She is so excited about her birthday! I can't believe she will be THREE in just 3 weeks! She is definitely getting so big and growing so tall so quick!
So, that's my goal...... but we all know how long new years resolutions REALLY last........! ;)
To get caught up on this blog! It may take me a good 96 hours straight, about 12 posts and a gazillion pictures, but I will find a way to do it. Among trying to get KaeLee's photo book finished, send out her birthday invites out and plan a party! (A small, quiet party........you know, just the 48 people in our immediate family.....!) She is so excited about her birthday! I can't believe she will be THREE in just 3 weeks! She is definitely getting so big and growing so tall so quick!
So, that's my goal...... but we all know how long new years resolutions REALLY last........! ;)
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