You see, Michelle is with the organization called Footprints of my Heart, and she needs to know our decision of what to do with the baby's remains. Thankfully, no! --- They don't just toss baby into a bag..... and yes! --- my mind went there.
First question you may have, but don't want to ask (it's okay, I didn't want to ask it either....!):
What happens to the baby?
Our choices: cremation, a communal burial, or "let the hospital dispose of the remains"
Our decision: burial. A communal burial is an option for mothers who have lost their babies in the first and second trimester. There is only one headstone I believe, and it is placed in "baby land" of the cemetery. They do this service twice a year. The next one is in April.
Another question you may be hesitant to ask...... Are you planning to name the baby?
Shawn and I have named baby. We realize that some people may think this is weird, but we really had no other option. We know that we have a baby waiting for us in Heaven and we do NOT want that poor baby to not have a name!
We were touched very much by the book, Heaven Is For Real. In this book, when Colton is in Heaven, he meets a young girl who says she is his sister. He asked what her name was and she said she didn't have a name because her mommy and daddy never named her. Now, if you haven't read this book, you should. It's very good. But this little girl ends up being a miscarriage that the mother had and had never told any of her children about. I don't remember if they knew the sex of the baby or not, but am leaning to remember that they did not.
So, how difficult is it to come up with a gender neutral name that means something to you that you can agree on?? Very difficult! Our decision:
JORDAN TRINITY
Jordan means free flowing, like the Jordan River where Jesus was baptized.
Trinity, or course, means triad..... refers to the Holy Trinity, with whom Jordan now resides: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Our baby is not an "it". Our baby's name is Jordan. We will one day get to meet Jordan and be revealed of our baby's gender. But for now, we wait patiently in the Lord and know that baby Jordan is in the best hands possible. The Ultimate Father gets to love on Jordan every day, better than Shawn or I could have ever done! What a blessing to know that Jordan was MADE for Heaven!
Another question you may be afraid to ask.......
Will you try to get pregnant again?
The answer is, Of Course! We are nervous, but trusting God that this is what He wants. We hope to get pregnant again soon! We still want the girls to be young, and we have a short window of time left before there will be a 3 year gap between Hannah and the new baby. I would really rather not have any bigger of a gap. But we are trusting in the Lord's timing.
Originally, when we got pregnant with Jordan, we were "planning" to get pregnant in March, and the pregnancy came a bit sooner. So, maybe it was in God's plan all along, as well, that we get pregnant in March.......?? We shall see.
If you have any other questions looming around in your head, feel free to ask them. I am a complete open book and would welcome them.
Right now, I have been awake since 4:30. I went to bed pretty early last night, but apparently can only sleep a certain number of hours, instead of until a certain time! Ugh. When I went to bed last night I felt like I could pass out for the duration of a few hours. KaeLee's birthday party wore me out yesterday! (yes, she had her party! Pictures to come.....!)
This picture was embedded in my mind all night last night and I can't help but stare at that belly and imagine what little Jordan looks like.
This picture was taken right at 14 weeks. According to the OB who was on call that night, this would have been right at, or right before Jordan died. Even though I was 16 weeks when the bleeding occurred, the doctor said the baby was not measuring 16 weeks.... more like 12 or 13. This means that Jordan had died, most likely, 1-2 weeks earlier. Then once the baby dies, the body and head begin to shrink a bit and start deteriorating. This is why he was not able to see the sex of the baby as well.
The strange thing is that I had absolutely NO signs of this at all, which seems completely bizarre to me. Also, I was on the phone with my step mom the day before the bleeding started and she had asked me if I was starting to show more. My initial response, was "yeah, I'm huge!", but then I said, "honestly, I felt really big, but lately, I feel smaller than I did before for some reason." I thought maybe I was just getting used to be being bigger? But I truly noticed that change. But who would have ever thought it would've meant something? I had also mentioned in that same conversation that I was excited to not have gained any weight yet, and in fact, LOSE 7 pounds! Then I said "how cool would that be if this was the weight I was when I gave birth?! Then I would lose an instant 20-25 pounds and be halfway to my goal!" Little did I know that it would be my end weight. But the 20-25 pounds I was hoping to lose right away? Yeah, not a chance. I am exactly the same. I realize that instead of a 7 pound baby, I only had a 9 ounce baby, but that's beside the point. I lost what seemed like 20 pounds of blood..... and then there's the placenta and amniotic fluid...... you would think that all of this would add up.....? ;) haha.
Alright, well, I am still super tired and think I might try to go back to sleep for an hour or so before the girls wake up. We have church in 2 and a half hours. I am not looking forward to that, that's for sure. There's something about being at church that makes me cry every time. I know I will have to keep my eyes on the ground and stay busy doodling or something. If anyone just looks at me, I just know I will burst into tears. Especially if they have the puppy dog eyes that say "I know what what happened.... and I am so sorry."
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