The Storm

So I am writing this blog post so soon because I want to remember it as it happened.  And with my memory, I will forget by tomorrow.  Some might say I will never forget, but they don’t know my brain.  Or the gift God has graciously given me.  I forget everything. 

*Sidenote* On Monday, we went and looked at a house to move into.  The next day the owners told us they would love to rent it to us.  I started second guessing myself about it and couldn’t seem to remember anything about it!  What type of flooring was there?  Was there a linen closet for the upstairs bathroom?  What about a backdoor from the downstairs to the yard?  I don’t remember seeing one…?  Was there even a back door in the garage going to the backyard?  Was the stair railing on the top open slats or a solid half wall?......  So you see, not even 24 hours after something occurs, I forget nearly everything! *End Sidenote* ;)

*WARNING*  This blog is beyond extremely long, full of grammar errors, and I'm sure wuite boring at times.  I did not exactly write this for you, but rather for myself, so if anything offends you..... um..... sorry?

So, last night, before going to bed, I noticed a tiny bit of light spotting when I went to the bathroom.  I know that this can be normal, so I didn’t think anything of it since I had my appointment the next day and figured I would just mention it then.  I went to bed, got up out of bed a couple of times to pee (completely normal for me!).  But when I woke up at about 1:45, I knew something was different.  I was super wet.  (warning: grossness approaching….) I knew I had been discharging a bit as well due to my yeast infection, but this seemed to remind me more of when my water broke.  It being dark and not having my glasses on, I couldn’t see anything.  I went to the bathroom, decided I should change my pajamas so I took my shorts and underwear completely off.  I sat down to go to the bathroom and could feel gushes of something coming out.  Yes, definitely remember this from my water breaking with Hannah.  So at that point I flipped on the light and that’s when I saw my underwear and shorts completely covered in blood, blood drippings on the floor and then realized that the “gushes” were HUGE blood clots. 

I woke Shawn up, called the receptionist on call for the midwife.  Instructions say if you don’t get a call back within 10-15 minutes, call back.  I felt like I had waited at least 20 minutes, looked at the clock and it had only been 5 minutes.  I decided to call my mom, against my better judgment, since I knew it was 2:00am, she was sleeping, AND 120 miles away…..!  It would only panic her.  But I knew what had happened.  I knew the baby was gone.  This amount of bleeding was not normal.  I talked to my mom for a couple of minutes before the midwife called me back.  I was desperately trying to figure out what to do because the girls were sleeping.  Shawn said he figured we would wake them up and take them with us.  I think not.    I decided to call Sharon (Shawn’s step mom), knowing she was at least a half an hour away (in good weather….. never mind it snowed a foot or more the day/night before!) So she was on her way and then I called my neighbor who graciously came over to sit in the house until Sharon got there.  Her name is Mary.  A really sweet lady who is in my Bible Study Fellowship class.  She has also experienced a miscarriage (not sure how far along she was) and ironically, it was between her 2^nd and 3^rd child.  So I knew that by calling her she wouldn’t mind at all and would completely understand. 

So, we finally got to the hospital…… took forever it seemed like because of the roads!  No one else there, which was nice, so we got right in and the ER doctor examined me and said there were too many blood clots (the size of your fist!) and he couldn’t quite see what was past them.  Nevermind that it was super painful and uncomfortable.  He decided to give me some morphine (I was also contracting, making the exam even more painful).  I had never had morphine before and within seconds I was throwing up and feeling lightheaded and nauseous.  The doctor said the ultrasound tech would come in and then he would come back and try to do the exam again. 

So the ultrasound lady came in and did her thing.  Took a ton of pictures.  She said I had lost a lot of amniotic fluid, making the pictures hard to get.  Then she searched for a heartbeat and found nothing.  No surprise there.  I was expecting that.  She left to send her pictures to radiology.  She did tell me that the measurements weren’t measuring 16 weeks, which was (hmmm….. was.  That’s strange to say.) what I was.  She said they looked more like 12-13 weeks.  So the doctor said the baby most likely died 2-3 weeks earlier.  And once the baby has died, it can “shrink”, if you will, and appear to be younger than it is.   This is quite disturbing thinking that the baby had not been alive for that long inside of me.  I would have thought I could feel something.  In fact, on Sunday, I swore I felt the baby move during church but apparently it was just all in my head…. And actually, as I write this, I just felt a “movement” though it was probably just my uterus contracting.  I remember that happening after giving birth before.  I think it means it’s shrinking back to normal…?  Anyway, moving on…..

(PS:  I took a few hours worth of break and therefore it is getting closer to the 24 hour mark since all this happened….. which means my mind is already fading…….. Ahhhhh!!  So bear with me if I jump around a bit!)

The doctor came back in.  I found out that his name was Dr Hughes.  I was relieved when I heard that because not too long ago during our MOPS meeting, the moms were talking about all their favorite doctors, and they all agreed on Dr. Hughes for an ER doctor.  And the fact that he is easy on the eyes makes it a little nicer….. haha (they’re words, not mine….. though I don’t think I would disagree….haha)

Anyway, he did another exam (OUCH!) and was able to get more clots out, but he said he could see the placenta bulging and didn’t want to try to manually take it out because it was too bulgy and risky so he called the OB doctor who was on call in.  He was there pretty quick, actually.  He was a nice guy and explained things really well, but at that moment, I really missed my Yakima OBGYN.  This doctor was not so personable and stood as far away from me as possible when he talked to me.  Dr Harrington, my OB in Yakima, would just come sit on your bed or pull a stool up as close as possible.  I never really noticed that until today, but what a difference it makes! 

Dr Pitts (the OB on call) said he wanted to put me under with the amount of bleeding and clotting I had.  There was a good chance of needing a blood transfusion and he just said it’d be safer to do it that way.  He performed a D&C, which only took about a half hour or so.  It was at 4:30am.  Oh, and the girl who wheeled me to the operating room reeked of smoke and I about puked again…. Yuk!  I woke up at 5:30 in the recovery room.  I had no glasses, so I didn’t really know where I was, what was around me or what time it was.  I could make out what seemed to be a clock on the wall, but couldn’t see it for the life of me.  Then I heard some paper shuffling behind me and it was a male nurse.   I tried to talk to him and noticed right away that my throat hurt super bad and remembered the doctor telling me about a tube that would be put down my throat and taken out right before or as I was waking up.  Good thing it was before so I didn’t have to choke on that thing! (can you tell I am such a wimp and have never had surgery before…..??? haha)  I tried to ask the nurse questions, but he said he couldn’t really answer them; I had to wait for the doctor.  I finally asked for my glasses and was able to at least lay there and look around until I was able to go back to a normal room. 

Back in the room, there wasn’t really anything to do.  It was almost 6:30 and the night nurses shift would be over soon (thankfully…. They weren’t the sweetest things…. Though it was the end of their shift…)  The main nurse, the nice one, answered quite a few questions for me but the whole time she was looking at me with the most pitiful eyes.  Honestly, it was a bit annoying, but I felt bad that she felt bad for me, so I dealt with it.  I don’t remember what these questions were that I asked her, but I am sure nothing you’d be interested in…. haha.   Dr. Pitts came in at about 8:00am and said I could go home soon (yay!  I was so ready to get out of there and back home to the girls!) He also answered my questions.  One of which was whether the baby was a boy or a girl.  He said since the baby had not been alive for a couple weeks, it was near impossible to tell.  I think that is the part that hurts the most; not knowing if you’re child was a boy or a girl.  It’s devastating, actually.  Today was supposed to be the day that I got to schedule my ultrasound to find out what the sex was.  I’ve been looking forward to today for the last 4 weeks, since my last appointment.  I don’t think I would ever look forward to a day like that again. 

A lady from a foundation called footprints of the heart came by to talk to us.  Michelle, I think was her name.  She asked us what we wanted to do with the baby’s remains.  This was at the same time relieving and overwhelming.  I was relieved because it was one of the questions I wanted to ask, but was afraid to:  what happened to my baby?  Did they just bag it up and toss it?  Where’d it go?  Because one of the questions I asked the nurse in the recovery room was if I would be able to see the baby and if that would be normal?  And he said no, it was not normal.  And that was that.  So where was my baby?  Anyway, it was also overwhelming, because she started to talk about whether we would want the baby to be cremated or buried?  Or nothing at all?  The burial they do for miscarriages is a communal burial twice a year.  The next one is in April.  I think that is what we chose to do. 

Shawn wants to name the baby.  I think that’s a great idea….. if you know the gender.  But it’s gonna be tough to pick a name that is gender neutral that we both like…. Ha!   I’m on board with it, but it’s definitely something I struggle with.  I guess we can take a few days anyway. 

We finally got to go home at about 10:30.  I felt so stupid when we left because I had to be wheeled in a chair by the nurse while Shawn went to pull up the truck.  I think wheeling down the hall is as close to a parade as I will ever get.  I was mighty tempted to stick my arm up and do the princess wave.  Haha.  But seriously, there were nurses on either side of the hall throughout the “walk” to the elevator who had the most pitiful looks on their faces like they all new (which I’m guessing they probably did…..) and they would wave at me and give me a pathetic half smile.  (yes, I realize I am being a bit harsh…. Sorry!)  So, with them waving at me, I definitely felt like I was in a parade and am pretty sure I even caught myself looking back a few times to see if there was a line behind me or perhaps a marching band…. ;)

So, I know that I have been seeming a bit light hearted throughout this blog, and I am sorry if that offends you.  I have just been so blessed by this whole situation and feel God’s peace in my heart.  You see, I finally heard Him correctly!!  So many times, I feel like he’s telling me something and then it turns out the opposite, but this time, I knew exactly what to expect and was prepared for it. 

I suppose I should back up a bit. 

I know I wrote an entire blog about this (see here: http://shawnandnikkicox.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-mediocre-life-full-of-blessings.html) but I didn’t really explain too well I don’t think.  See, ever since October of 2009, God has been strategically placing women in my life who have just gone through a miscarriage or a still birth.  It started with Sarah, then trickled to other people, then one girl, Erin, began a ministry called Hope Mommies.  It is an organization that helps women who have suffered this type of loss and provides support, comfort, resources…. It is amazing.  I became invested (a total God thing!) and took on the role of a prayer partner.  I had the privledge of becoming a prayer partner and hearing some of these womens stories and getting the chance to pray over them every day and send them scriptures and notes of encouragement.  I love it! So through this, I have met even MORE women and have read their blogs, their stories, their notes on facebook….. and have been so encouraged with the strength, the hope and the courage they have.  It is truly inspiring.  And to see many of these women making purpose out of their child’s lives, by starting Hope Mommies, The Chase Foundation, Molly Bears, Holden Uganda….. and the list could go on and on.  These organizations started out of a tragedy and are blossoming because of the grace of God.   

So anyway, back in November, my heart began to get really heavy.  I felt God pointing out EVERY little blessing in my life to me.  I became so grateful, of course.  Then I started to notice how all around me, someone was struggling with something.  But not me.  I started to pray about this because I started feeling really guilty.  Why are they struggling, but not me?  Then, one week at bible study, I overheard someone say “it’s the calm before the storm”.  Of course!!  That was it!  At that moment, I felt that wsas God talking to me through that random comment I overheard someone say.  And I knew that this was my calm before the storm.  I just knew.  I started to “play God” and try to come up with what I thought was going to happen, but my thoughts all came back to all these “Hope Mommies” in my life.  My greatest fear, of course, was becoming a member of that group.  But as much as I avoided it and pushed it aside as, “that’ll never happen to me…. I had two amazing pregnancies and births, why would this one be any different?”  

Then Christmas came.  In bible study, we were talking about unexpected trials.  Well, I was certainly expecting one, but my mind was completely focused on the baby and just knowing that my trial was going to be that baby.  Then Shawn and I got into a huge argument and I was hurt and felt lower than ever before.  (this is a completely different 10 page blog, that I may or may never write…..) Then two days later, I am struck with the truth about a lie that has been going on for three years and the betrayl that goes along with it.  I feel, at this point, that I am in the biggest ditch ever, and will never be able to find my way out.  I, at that moment, feel like this is my unexpected trial.  I so sure that God was telling me that something was going to go wrong with the baby, it actually ended up being something completely different. 

Then, the thought kept entering my mind again…… what if this feeling about baby is still true and this whole thing with Shawn was an EXTRA…..??  So, again, I prepared my heart and my mind with theories and predictions.  But now, that big fear…. That gut feeling….. that voice of JESUS in my head…… had come true.  Now where am I?  Before, I was in a super deep ditch….. what is deeper than that? 

I feel like I was prepared a bit with the whole baby situation.  I truly feel like God has been working in my heart and giving me the proper examples I need through people around me about how to pull through it and be a stronger woman and Christian because of it.  But when you add up everything that has happened in the last 3 ½ weeks…… I don’t think the average woman would still be standing.  Oh, but wait….. I’m not.  I am on my knees pleading for God to recue me.  I know my life has been wonderful, but why does everything have to hit at once?  Why can’t it be a gradual thing??  Watching the weather in the past couple of days, it is a complete analogy of where I am in my life right now.  We haven’t had any snow all winter, and within 2 days, we get nearly 2 feet of snow!  That’s crazy! And it’s still snowing.  Perhaps God just doesn’t want anyone to be able to come to KaeLee’s birthday party on Saturday….!  Haha.

Well, I’ve have written far too much. Perhaps I just wrote a book!  I am exhausted and should have been in bed hours ago, seeming how I have been up since 1:45am!!  Ahhhhhh………! I will be keeping you up to date hopfully and I may be using this as my outlet for days I am not feeling so great.  I will attempt to remember the good days too so that I can give you some praises and not just be a Debbie downer.

I officially just took a two minute nap, I believe.  Which means Im going to bed.  Without using spell check.  So hope you enjoyed trying to figure out what I am trying to say…..