Random Thoughts

Some random thoughts for the night.  I'm feeling especially tired tonight, so I have no creativeness left in my brain; therefore there will be no clever ideas of how to tie all my random thoughts together.  More of just a list of things on my mind tonight. 

• It's 9:15 and the girls have been in bed for an hour and 15 minutes!  Yet, Hannah is still WIDE awake, talking and singing away in her crib.  I go crazy wondering why it takes her so long to go to sleep at night!  There are few days where she is asleep in less than 30 minutes!  Tonight will take especially long because we went over to Shawn's Dad's house this evening and Hannah literally bounces off the walls whenever family or friends are present!  She is quite the performer and craves CONSTANT attention from EVERYONE around her!  We went out for pizza tonight and on the way out the door, she starts twirling in circles the whole way to the door, then looking over at the booths to make sure everyone was watching her.  As soon as she sees them smile at her, she squeals with delight..... haha!  She got what she wanted....!!  She is such a showgirl!
• KaeLee is fast asleep...... in panties!  She has been potty trained for nearly a year now, but we have kept a pull up on her at night and for naps.  But know that she turned 3, we are trying to get rid of those as well.  Not going so well so far.  She doesn't wake up when she pees.  She just wakes up at normal time (well, I guess this morning it was an hour earlier than normal) and then after a minute or so, she notices that her clothes are all wet and then starts to freak out.  I am not sure what to do at this point. :(
• I am supposed to be working on KaeLee's Shutterfly book.....!  I have to have it completely done and ordered by Tuesday night!!  They have their books 50% off that expires February 1st, and I have a $10 off coupon that expires January 31st!  That will be a savings of about $70!!!  (yes, it's a big book!) I easily get distracted...... especially when I am trying to work on the computer and have the entire internet, the TV show my husband is watching, and listening to Hannah on the monitor..... haha!  I also have my bible study homework I need to do.  And I have a gazillion boxes that need to be packed.....!!!  Anyway, on to the next bullet.... ;)
• Tonight I began to understand what my friends who have experienced infant/pregnancy loss have said: "Triggers can happen at any time and we never know what they might be."  Tonight at dinner, the subject of July 4th came up and they were all talking about getting together to watch the fireworks, and where you can see them from best.....  All the while I am sitting there trying not to burst into tears and screaming in my head, "How can you talk about such a holiday when you now what has just happened to me?!?!"  You see, (in case you didn't know...) Jordan's due date was July 4th.  Those fireworks they are talking about..... yeah; those were supposed to be in celebration of (not only our country's freedom.... but....) Jordan's birth day!!  How could I possibly go and enjoy fireworks when I know that our baby boy was supposed to be watching with us?!?  I am definitely NOT looking forward to that holiday this year! 
• Another thing I have noticed is that I am sad, of course, when someone asks how I am feeling or how my pregnancy is going..... but I am also SUPER bummed if they DON'T ask......  weird and contradicting, I know.  I don't want people to be afraid to ask me anything, but I DO know that I will most likely have a few tears stream down my face.  I haven't quite conquered how to talk about it without creating tears, but I really don't mind crying, I just feel a bit stupid because I haven't been able to control my tears yet.  I am SO thankful for the internet and texting because I don't have to actually TALK about it.  Talking about it without having to SPEAK about it is WAY easier! 
• On the other hand, if I am around people who haven't even said a single WORD about it to me or haven't acknowledged my loss at all to me, or can't look at me when they talk to me, I feel really awkward around them.  Like there is a big elephant in the room.  But I don't want to be the one to bring it up because..... well, I am not one to just start talking about myself.  There are a few people, including close family members, who I haven't heard a word from, even though I KNOW they know.  It kinda hurts my heart.  I would have thought they would have cared a bit more...... but I guess I can't assume too much out of everyone else.  Also, how selfish of me is that?  Getting frustrated or hurt because someone else doesn't think about me?  I know that's not who God has called me to be. 
• Why am I so overly tired lately?  Ugh.  It's really getting frustrating. 
• Shawn and I played racquetball today.  It felt good to be playing again...... especially since I kicked his butt!!  :) 
• I just getting to be okay with my tummy stretching back out and losing it's flab leftover from previous pregnancies.... and now my stomach has officially shrunk back down and is back to it's floppy, donut-like self!  Argh! 
• Alright, well, I am off to bed.... finally.....!  And hopefully I can sneak in a good 2 hour nap on the way to Yakima tomorrow!