So do I want to get pregnant? ABSOLUTELY! Am I reserved about it? ABSOLUTELY! Not only do I worry about losing another baby, but I am just not comfortable in my body lately and after losing Jordan, it's kind of down-spiraled. I absolutely HATE looking in the mirror at this flabby, donut-shaped chunk of skin hanging down from my mid-section. It's quite disgusting. It really, truely is not a pretty sight. Gaining weight due to a pregnancy can NOT be an option for me. Would that be realistic? Not at all. So, I have 2 weeks to lose at least 20 pounds before getting pregnant again...... ha!
One thing that I have been learning and experiencing a lot of lately is GRACE. God's grace is amazing. He gives it and gives it and gives it some more. And the best part is that we get it because of nothing WE'VE done. Last night at bible study, Sara put it this way: "Grace = God's riches at Christ's expense." God gives us grace so that we can give it to others.
Wait. What? I have to give grace to others? Damn it. Oops. I mean...... YAY......! haha. This is something I have had to struggle with since losing Jordan. People have said that when this situation occurs (losing a baby), you will lose friends along the way. What? I never understood that. Until now. It's amazing to me that people just stop talking to you. They just seem to disappear or pretend that they haven't heard the news. It's quite crazy. Of course, God has blessed me with new friends as well, for whom I am super grateful for! :)
So I am learning to extend grace towards those who have just disappeared. I realize that they may be uncomfortable position and not know what to say..... but really? How on earth do they think I feel? My least favorite question is "how many kids do you have?" Wow. Who would have thought that this would be a question I despise? And, yet, how silly is it that I despise that question? That seems a bit harsh, right?
If I answer "two" to that question, I get a pit in my stomach because I know the true answer is three. Yet, if I answer "three", the next question to follow is undoubtedly "how old are they?" Hmmm..... not quite sure how to answer that one. The third option I have is to say "I have two living and one waiting for me in heaven". Result of that answer: Awkard moment of silence where that person is quickly regretting their question.
But it was their question, right? I mean, they asked it and even though they may not have been anticipating that answer, I can't control the answer, right? I mean, you can't ask a question expecting to get the answer you assume, right? That's why you are asking the question, because you don't know the answer.
Anyway..... enough of my rambling. I have so many thoughts running around in my head and I haven't blogged in forever, so the is a constant struggle taking place in my mind right now where all the thoughts are fighting to get to the front and are leaving me with nothing but a headache of confusion. Ahhhhh!!!
In other news..... I had a great time in San Francisco visiting my cousin Trish, her husband and their baby Mckinley! (who turned one while I was there!) :) It was nice to come back home and get some more stuff unpacked. Shawn has been working on the garage today and yesterday I was able to finish hanging up a lot of stuff around the house and it is really beginning to not just feel like home, but actually look like it! :) I should take some pictures soon and let you see just why I am enjoying our new home so much!
Hannah's birthday is next week and I have most everything ready for her barnyard themed party! YAY!! And I bought my first item from etsy for it! See how cute?!
I think I have officially become a fan of etsy! This invitation was something I just got to download and then just get developed wherever. And it was cheaper than buying actual invites and having to fill them all out! Double bonus!! I know where I am going for our Christmas cards this year! :)
I think the best part about Hannah's birthday is seeing how KaeLee acts about it!! She is SO excited about it and tells Hannah constantly, "It's almost your birthday Hannah!! Everybody is going to come over and you get to open lots of presents! And you get to blow out candles and have cake!!!!" Hahaha. It is SO cute!
Alright, well, I have written far too much for now and need to start moving on to more productive things.... Hopefully I will be back soon!
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