An honest Post

I started this blog originally to allow myself to be honest.  A place I could run to to jot my thoughts and think out loud.  I have always loved writing.  Writing journals, letters, poems, stories, whatever.  I always thought I would become a writer, but soon realized that I am not so imaginative.  haha.  But writing is the way I communicate best.  I am not good with words and can not formulate thoughts and ideas quickly when I am asked an in-depth question.  My brain is a little slow and I need some time to think things through.  I was never good at bickering with my brothers because I was not quick with my words and I was not witty.  Some writing has always been my outlet.  Tonight, I am reverting back to those roots and getting something off of my heart.  I don't open my heart up to many people, but for some reason, writing it down or talking about it to a stranger has always been easier for me. 

Forgive me if I offend you.  And expect the unexpected.  It may seem like it's not me who is writing.  But tonight, you are seeing my raw heart. 

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I find myself really frustrated tonight.  Helpless.  Alone.  Worthless.  So maybe I am not worthless, but sure feel it a lot.  Helpless and alone, yes.  Honestly, there are many times that I have regretted moving away from my hometown.  My comfort zone.  My familiarity.  My safety.  I have good days and bad days, but most teeter towards the bad.  My life has been turned upside down in a matter of moments.  I am now the sole responsibility of two beautiful little girls.  Or at least I feel that way. 

Because my "job" now is to be a mother, I am expected beyond belief to deliver.  I feel like I am on the verge of being fired.  My heart breaks when I think about it.  So often, I wonder why I was allowed to have children.  Why the blessing of children when I am unable to care for them properly and raise them. 

I was told tonight that I don't know how to parent and that the girls act the way they do because of me.  And it's my fault.  Basically I felt like I was being given a review for my job and I was in the needs-much-improvement category.  And the reasoning behind this is because I will not allow spanking in this house.  No, I won't.  And nothing will change my mind.  It is NOT an option. 

I just feel so broken and lost and lonely and, quite frankly, depressed.  I feel like I am grieving.  Grieving my old life.  My life that involved familiar places and faces.  A paying job. An extended family.  A support system.  Here, I just feel so alone.  (gee, have I mentioned that a few times....??  good grief.) 

I think of this verse often:
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
and sometimes I just look at it blankly.  What do I have to be thankful about?  Even in this circumstance?  Of course I can think of a million things to be thankful about, but not necessarily the circumstance I am in.  That's a tough one.  So does it happen every day?  No.  But I try.  So then I cling to this verse: 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I have to believe and pray that what is seen is temporary.  I am living for the glory of God and need to remind myself of that every day.  He did not bless me with these children to please me.  He did so because He knows that I will bring them up in a way that pleases Him.  In a way that will glorify Him.  I cannot lose heart over piddly little things.  And I need to be renewed every day.  Absolutely.  I need to cling to the Lord to get me through each day.  But I don't want to just get through each day.  I want to flourish.  And to do so, I need to not be focused on me, but on God.  Living my life to serve Him. 

Which brings me to the next verse I need to cling to:

Galatians 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
If I attempt to please man, I will fail.  For I am not perfect and man seeks perfection.  The only perfection is the Lord.  I will CHOOSE to live my life as a servant to Him.  Renew my heart day by day Lord, so that I may serve you and live the life YOU have for me. 

For now, I need to go to bed.  I may not have made any sense, whatsoever, but I feel renewed and have been able to take a deep breath and allow the Lord to remove the weight from my shoulders.  For now.  I need now to go to bed.  My eyes are tired.  My body is tired.  And my heart is broken.