A Bit of Venting Tonight....

Tonight I watched the show '19 Kids & Counting'.  I hardly ever watch this show.  I do like it, I just never make a point to watch it, and only watch it randomly.  Well tonight was one of those random nights.  I had TLC on for background noise while I was making dinner and I happened to catch a commercial for the "new" episode that was airing tonight.  It was about the miscarriage she had when she waas 18 weeks pregnant with her 20th baby.  I started crying during the commercial.  I immediately grabbed the remote and recorded it. 

Watching the Duggers handle this situation with such grace and glory to God was amazing.  It is a bit heartbreaking hearing that they got to see the baby and had a funeral service for the baby and buried her.  I have moments where I have been almost mad at God for taking Jordan in the way that he got taken.  20 weeks is the cut off between "miscarriage" and "stillbirth".  I wish so much that I would have lost Jordan at 20 weeks instead of 16 weeks.  What's the difference, you may ask? 

Well, at 20 weeks, you get handprints of your baby.  You get footprints of your baby.  You get to see your baby.  You get to hold your baby.  You get a funeral.  You get a headstone with your baby's name on it.  You get the label of "stillbirth" and not "miscarriage". 

At 16 weeks, you get surgery.  And hospital bills.  (bills that are MORE than they would have been had we given birth to an alive, healthy baby!) You get a communal burial that has a general headstone.  No names.  No specifics.  Just "babies that will never be forgotten".  You get shrugs from people saying, "at least it didn't happen later".  Or maybe, "Don't worry, you will have others". 

To the world, it's not a baby until 20 weeks.  But if you are a mother, you know that 4 weeks is the same as 14 and 14 weeks is the same as 24, 34, or 40.  I still had hopes and dreams for Jordan.  I still sang to him, talked to him, felt him move around, and most of all, prayed for him.  I bought baby items just for him, I had baby clothes ready to go, I had sleeping arrangements figured out.  We moved to a bigger house so Jordan could have his own room.  I was ready for a baby.  For Jordan. 

It boggles my mind to know that the Duggars were able to see, hold, take pictures and hand/foot prints of their precious baby Jubilee at just 18 weeks.  I've always said that if I were to lose a baby, of course I would want to SEE the baby.  Well, I asked to see Jordan and was told no.  I understand where they were coming from, but it should have been my decision regardless of anything they believed.  I understand that Jordan had not been alive for at least a week, so he was already shrinking and deteriorating.  But I would have just given anything to see my baby.  Wouldn't you? 

I also realize that this was emergency surgery, so I wasn't able to truly process everything or have time to think or time to express what I wanted.  I went to the emergency room and was whisked away into surgery SO fast!  During a "normal" miscarriage, you find out about it by going to an ultrasound or an OB appointment and not finding a heartbeat.  From there, you have choices.  You plan the birth, you go home and come back in a few days to deliver the baby.  When, in my case, you wake up in the middle of the night in puddles of blood and the blood doesn't stop flowing, you have no choices.  From there, you are told what will happen.  It was and is all a bit overwhelming and it breaks my heart to see that the Duggars got to enjoy (I use that loosely) those 3 days between finding no heartbeat and giving birth.  They were able to indulge in prayer and give it over to God.  You are able to grieve with family and friends and have them there by your side. 

This may be a night of venting, but it is SO needed.  I am also still struggling with bitterness towards some key people in my life who have yet to even acknowledge my loss to me.  It's definitely hurtful.  I'm trying to "get over it", hand it over to God and give them grace and forgiveness.  I have good days and bad days in succeeding with this.  I am a mother of three.  I, like any other mom, love to talk about her kids.  And that includes Jordan.  Don't be afraid to mention the name.  The name makes me SMILE every time!  And knowing that other people are remembering him and remember his name even, just makes my heart joyful!

I have a lot more to blog about, but it really doesn't link to this blog in any way, so I think I will wait and write again maybe tomorrow.  It is far too late for me to be awake right now.  I have been awake since about 4:30 this morning.  UGH.  I laid in bed for an hour trying to go back to sleep but I was way too hot and just got up and got dressed and headed to the gym.   But now I am exhausted.  It's been a long day.  So, off to bed for now, and I will be back soon!