Sometimes I feel guilty. So guilty. I am completely blessed with being able to "choose" when I want to have a baby. Practically down to the day. Sitting here watching Parenthood (just now getting to watch it now from Tuesday night's airing....), I am reminded of all those women out there who desperately want to have a baby and, for some reason or another, can't. I have often thought of becoming a surrogate mother for one (or some) of these mothers. I know it would be the ultimate gift to be able to help create life and a family for someone. But I am not sure how I would be able to carry a baby for 9 months and then just give them away and act as though I never bonded with them. It would be weird. And very emotional. And stressful. And I am not too sure how my family would react and what kind of support I would have in that decision. (though Shawn and I have, of course, discussed it...) But the reward and the blessing just seems so large......
Anyway..... this is on my mind tonight and I need to throw it out there. I am not sure what to do with these feelings. I would love to have more kids...... but then again, I guiltily would not. I can honestly say that there is a lot about the "baby" stage I do not miss and would gladly never revisit again. BUT the good definitely outweighs the bad and it's during these good times that I long for another. And the fact that I like the IDEA of a large family.
My heart is torn. I believe that I have decided that our family feels complete with our two beautiful girls, but I feel so guilty that I am "throwing away" the "gift" I feel the good Lord has given me.
So here's to another day of prayer to figure out what God wants me to do.
"Pray without ceasing" 1 Thessalonians 5:17
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