Well, I cannot sleep. I woke up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom and cannot go back to sleep. So I figured I would write a blog. So, tomorrow, I will be 13 weeks pregnant! YAY! Although, I have been having some very real fear creeping in lately. See, I have not felt the baby move in about a week. I know some of you think it's too early for me to feel the baby, but when this is your fourth, you are very used to what it feels like. Normally, every time I would lay down to go to sleep, the baby would get all excited or something, and would move like crazy. That used to be my reason for not being able to go to sleep. But this last week, I haven't felt any movements. Maybe one or two, but they may have just been in my head. So I am really nervous. I have an appointment on Wednesday and am trying to hold out until then before I worry any more about it. I figure if this baby is no longer alive, there is nothing that can be done to change that anyway, right, so no need to rush into the doctor. I might as well enjoy my memorial day weekend first, right? Or at least attempt to. I cannot tell you how much I hope this is just in my head. I honestly don't know what I would do if I heard those words, "there is no heartbeat" again.
Please, God, don't let me hear those words again.
On Wednesday I woke up extremely sick. I can't remember the last time I felt so crummy. I was puking, couldn't get out of bed, completely nauseous, weak and pretty much felt like I was dying. In fact, at one point, I was rolling around on the floor, moaning, and telling Shawn I felt like I did when I was in labor with KaeLee. I just could NOT get comfortable for the life of me. Every position I sat, laid, or attempted to stand in (I really was too weak to stand) just HURT. I took my temperature and it was 94 degrees..... hmmmm..... what does that mean? That worried me a bit, so I called my OB doctor's office and they didn't seem too worried about it. Although I was! I was SO freezing! I had so many blankets on me and I still couldn't seem to get warm. It took until well into the late afternoon for my temperature to start rising, and then it seemed like it wouldn't stop and it went into the other direction and turned into a fever. Ugh. It was one of the most miserable days of my life!
Yesterday I woke up feeling a lot better, though I had no energy whatsoever! I thought I did at first, so I took a shower and that shower drained absolutely every ounce of energy I had. I had to lay down for about an hour afterwards just to be able to get enough energy back to walk out to the living room. A lot of this had to do with the fact that I had not eaten anything in over 24 hours. My stomach was roaring but nothing sounded good and the mere smell of things made me nauseous. I was able to eat some crackers and it wasn't until lunch that I felt like I could eat a bit more. A tiny bit more. And at dinner I ate about the same as lunch. As I sit here now, my stomach is still roaring, and I feel a bit lightheaded. I know I need to eat something, but nothing at all even sounds good.
We leave today to go camping for the weekend with all of my extended family. I am always really excited about this, but this year, I am not so much excited. Maybe it's because we are not at all packed yet or ready to go. Or maybe it's because I feel super icky and the idea of sitting outside in the heat all weekend does not have me too thrilled. Or maybe it's that I have SO MUCH work to get done for my magazine that I don't feel like I can celebrate with a weekend away yet. Or maybe it's this whole baby thing getting me too nervous to be able to enjoy myself this weekend. It's probably a mixture of all of it. And right now I am hoping to just make it through. I know the girls will have fun anyway.
I have a lot of pictures to post, but do have my camera next to me at the moment (and if you think I will get up to go fund it, you are crazy!) so those will have to wait. But there has been a lot going on here in the Cox Resident!
I have so much I need to do today before we leave that I really should try to go back to bed now and sleep a little bit. Maybe if I get everything done by the girls' nap time, I can take a nap too?!?!?! That sounds like heaven. But it also sounds unrealistic. So off to bed, again, I go. Perhaps I will grab some crackers on the way..........
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