I Blame My Mother

The clock reads 1:11am.  I have to squint at the screen because it is so bright.  And my eyes are so tired.  But I can't go back to sleep because I have all these thoughts whirling in my head about a blog I should write.  Called "I Blame My Mother".  It started when I had to change my pad in the middle of the night.  I thought "I Blame My Mother" for this disgustingness. 

Before I explain, I should put a disclaimer out there that this will not be the most conservative blog ever.  I will be sharing some of my most intimate details in life and this blog is not intended for the parents or grandparents.  sorry in advance if you continue reading.  I can hear the phone ringing already.  It's my mom, saying "I never!" or "that's not nice!".  Sorry mom.  I may have never told you, but I blame you for a lot of my problems...... haha.  But also for a lot of my successes. 

I blame my mom for

• Not ever putting in a Tampon.  Nope, not once.  She grew up in the TSS era, where lots of people were hit with Toxic Shock Syndrome and I believe she had a friend either die from it or was near death.  But she made sure to tell me about her.  Every month when my period came along.  So, to this day, I get to embarrassingly buy the ginormous packs of pads from Costco, instead of the tiny, shrunken boxes of tampons.  I get to deal with the mess, the overflowing garbages of stinky, gross pads.  It's especially gross when one in the garbage pops open and is laid out for the world (okay, Shawn) to see. 
• Not ever having a sip of alcohol.  Yes, I am 26, and have never had a drink.  And yes, I realize that it has been legal for over 5 years now.  I guess my mom was such a good, effective mom, that her tactics worked.  Her scaring tactics.  She said I had better not being doing such a thing and I never know what will happen when I am drinking because I can't be in 100% control of my body and function properly.  She told me about the numerous family members that had drinking problems, including that of my dad.  Over and over and over again she would tell me.  I would roll my eyes and say "yes mom".  She told me alcoholism is in my blood and if I have one, I will most likely become an alcoholic and never stop drinking.  So I have never started.  She used this tactic with drugs as well.  Which is all true, I suppose.  It is in my blood and addiction is hereditary.  I decided I wouldn't test the waters with it because I did see what it did to those people in my family and it was a big factor in my parents' divorce.   I know Shawn can get frustrated with this about me because he would like to go wine tasting with me or try different types of beer with me (we do live in wine country after all.....), but I just have no interest in the stuff.
• My vaginismus.  (Parents and Grandparents (and anyone else not wanting to hear what may be too much information....)close your ears and skip this bullet):  This is where the muscles in your "lady parts" tense up and contract without me telling them too.  It prevents anything from being able to penetrate into it.  This creates a problem (a VERY PAINFUL problem) when attempting to have sex.  Yes, I am going there.  I blame my mother for my sex problems.  haha.  My mom had always been "You BEST not be doing anything with no boy!"  Again, she had used the scare tactic with me about sex.  In fact, she scared me so bad that she scarred me.   You see, I waited till I was married before I had sex.  Yes, I know.  I lead quite the boring life.  No alcohol or drugs.  No sex till I was married.... haha.  My mom installed a great fear of something going inside of me.  Tampons.  Sex.  Whatever.  So, whenever anything gets too close, all my muscles automatically tighten and allow nothing to get past.  Those are some strong muscles, let me tell you!  So, on our honeymoon, I was so excited that I was finally "allowed" to have sex, only to discover that it was the most painful, painful thing I have ever experienced.  It wasn't going to happen.  After discussions with my OBGYN, I discovered the world of vaginismus.  And then it just so happened that a few days later, there was a special about it on 20/20.  I wasn't alone.  There were a lot of other people out there suffering from this very thing.  Except their doctors didn't know what it was and were making their patients get surgery, thinking that their lady parts were just not big enough and needed to be cut bigger.  Ouch.  Thank you, Dr. Harrington, for being so wonderful to me!  He told me that in most cases, sexual abuse or a rape case causes this internal fear.  I said, nope.  That would be my mama.  Thanks mom.  hahaha.  It took 3 years, 2 child births and some intense therapy to finally get me to a place of a normal, enjoyable, (sorry) sex life. 

I could go on an on here about things that I blame my mom for...... my eczema, my inability to hold my tears at hallmark commercials and movies, my hard, thick heels, my lack of shoulders, causing my bra straps to never stay up.  (she FINALLY shared her secret of a cross-backed bra strap the other day), my short stature, my round face, my bowed legs (oh wait, that's my dad's side of the fam. sorry mom.), my bad eyesight and trouble hearing....... and the list goes on.  But these three things were what were mainly on my mind (and the fact that I need to go back to bed before the sun begins to rise....). 

But my mom is also to blame for my amazing work ethic, my love of basketball (and all sports), my ability to never give up, my ability to believe the saying, 'anything a guy can do, a girl can do better', having a big heart, wanting to celebrate my daughters' birthdays in a big way like she did with us....... and many, many other positive things.  It's 2am, give me a break if I left something out....! :) It wasn't all bad, mom.  And I know you had the best of intentions.  :)

But now I am confused about how I will address these issues with my daughters.  I don't want to scar them for life, but I also don't want them to partake in unhealthy ventures.  Hmmmm..... I suppose I have a few years to figure it out. 

Well goodnight.  Hopefully now I will be able to fall right asleep.  And hopefully the girls will be gracious and kind enough to sleep in till 8:30 like they did yesterday morning.